Mother’s Day can be difficult and many people feel anxious and upset as the day approaches. It can be a day marked by absence – the loss of your mum, the loss of your child, the loss of a co-parent or partner, or a reminder that your relationship with your mother and/or child is complex or damaged.

This blog focuses on how you might look after yourself this Mother’s Day if you are grieving the loss of your mum, whether that loss is recent or long ago.  

Grief is an ongoing process and even when it feels like the worst parts of grieving are over, it’s normal to re-experience difficult emotions on significant days like Mother’s Day.

Following a loss, I often suggest that people undertake a ‘future proofing’ exercise before any milestone day such as a birthday, anniversary, or other triggering event in the calendar. What I mean by this is that you take some time to consider how you might best look after yourself on that day, let your family and friends know that you might find the day difficult, ask for their understanding, and communicate what they can do to support you.

The reason I recommend that you do this in advance is because it can often be difficult to think and express yourself clearly when you are ‘in the moment’ and so it can be helpful to share your needs with others beforehand to avoid misunderstandings and conflict. That said, remember that you can’t plan for everything. If you wake up on the day and feel like you want to do something different to what you had planned, that’s okay.

Whatever you decide to do this year, remember that grief is like a fingerprint – it is unique to you and there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Be kind to yourself. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be ‘okay’. Emotions come and go, and, like waves, they can wash over you and seem overwhelming. Allow yourself to feel and experience your grief, and know that in time, the waves will eventually recede. 

Below are some ways that might help you prepare for and cope with Mother’s Day after loss:

Put yourself first

Spend the day doing things you enjoy – whether that be pampering yourself, going for a walk, watching a movie, listening to music – whatever works for you. This may also mean that you don’t do anything. If you feel like closing the door on the rest of the world for a day, that’s fine too.

Stay connected

Connection can be exceptionally healing so consider getting together with others who were close to your mum and share memories. If you don’t feel up to seeing people face to face, you could start an online chat instead.  

Put your feelings into words

Writing a letter, postcard or greetings card to someone who has died can be a great way to make sense of your feelings. Grief isn’t always an easy thing to make sense of, but giving yourself a chance to think about how you feel and putting it into words can help you cope with your grief – particularly on days such as Mother’s Day when it may feel more heightened.  

Hold a memorial

Lighting a candle, planting something or visiting a special place that is meaningful to you can all be great ways to feel close to them and honour their memory.

Turn off social media and email alerts

A lot of companies offer you the option to opt out of Mother’s Day emails with a simple click in the run up to Mother’s Day. It can also be helpful to log out of your social media accounts altogether if you find it triggering or you can mute mentions of Mother’s Day on social media:

• To mute words on Twitter, head to ‘Settings’ > ‘Privacy and Safety’ then click ‘Mute and Block.’ Once you’re at this screen you can click the + button on the right-hand corner and mute as many words as you want, for as long as you want.
• Instagram has a similar filter if you want to filter words from messages or comments, but the filters are somewhat restricted. If you want to filter out phrases in comments and messages, head to ‘Settings’ then ‘Privacy’ and ‘Hidden Words.’ From here, you can add in the words you want to avoid seeing.

Talk to someone

You might be experiencing complex emotions such as intense grief, anger, jealousy, sadness – and all at the same time. Remind yourself that these feelings are normal and, if you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help.