Growing around grief – a different way to understand loss
There are a number of models to help us understand grief but I’m going to nail my colours to the post: I’m a particular fan of Tonkin’s ‘Growing around grief’ model.
That said, there are many models of grief out there and no right or wrong way to grieve, so if this doesn’t resonate for you, there may well be something else that speaks to you more.
For those of you who haven’t come across the late Dr Lois Tonkin, she was a New Zealand based lecturer, researcher, counsellor, and writer on loss and grief, and I was lucky enough to attend a Masterclass that she ran for Cruse Bereavement back in 2017.
Tonkin developed her model of grief in 1996 after hearing a woman at an Elizabeth Kubler-Ross workshop describe her experience of grief following the death of a child. The woman explained that, at first, grief filled every part of her life. She had thought that as time went by the grief would shrink and become a much smaller part of her life but what happened was very different. The grief stayed just as big, but her life grew around it.
This model challenges the platitudes that you may have heard that your grief will disappear over time or that you will ‘get over’ it and that ‘time heals all wounds’.
If you have suffered a bereavement, the concept of ‘moving on’ can feel abhorrent and disloyal to the person who has died as if you are being told that you should forget about that person.
This model suggests that in the days, months and years following a significant loss, while your grief may stay much the same – indeed, at difficult times such as birthdays, anniversaries, and other milestone days, it may even feel like it gets worse – you will also have new experiences, meet new people, and begin to find moments of enjoyment. Slowly, these moments become more frequent and the outer circle representing your life will grow a little bigger.
Contact me if you feel that you need help to adapt to life after loss and we can discuss how we can work together so that you can make sense of your loss, adjust to events and changes, and begin to embrace life more fully.